things i want to tell you

I miss the fuck out of you. I miss your dumb hair and the way you wear too much cologne. I can smell you coming, I swear I can. I miss your idiotic humour and the way you say "oh riiiight" and the way your laugh gets louder as you finally get the joke. I miss the tiny little piece of budge on your belly.

I miss the time we walked around Costco holding hands and shopping for mundane things like pasta and shaving cream. I miss the time we kissed on the big tyre swing in the park at 2am. I miss the way you'd place your hand on my knee while you drove, making fun of the bits of bone sticking out. I miss the time we accidentally drove to the hunter valley. I miss the way you'd call me dumb nicknames just to annoy me and laugh when I responded to them. I miss being able to message you random thoughts.

I want to know why you bought fifteen coat hangers today. I want to ask if you saw that I liked that photo on Facebook - the one of the different kinds of durian. I want to know if you've been sleeping well or if uni stress is keeping you up. I want to know what you had for breakfast, if you're having a decent day, and whether I hurt you at all. I also really want to show you my minion collection.

I want to say I'm sorry for freaking out on you. For the cold stare I gave you today when you tried to hug me. I did what I did out of hurt, not hate. I want you to talk to me. Not a casual "hey what's up" as you pass me, but really talk about what happened and how it is we crash landed before we even took off.

I want you. Any piece of you. I'll be your lover, your fighter, your friend. I'll be your coworker, your acquaintance, or even somebody you used to know. I'll take anything you give me.

You're a shining star that sometimes hurts to look at.

I fucking love you.

If only I could tell you that.