figure my heart out

I'm having one of those days. You know the kind? Where you're not actively sad but you're not actively happy either and you're trying not to think too much so you aimlessly wander around the house, sucking on peach stones and licking the crumbs off a plate of scrambled eggs. I'm actually doing much better today than I thought I would be, considering my circumstances. There's a photo stuck to the wall beside my bed - when life gets harder you must've just levelled up. It's comforting, I guess. Slightly.

It's just: what now? I'm not working again until Monday, which gives me 2.5 days more of this pointlessness. I want to do something but nothing appeals to me right now. So I laze around and try to ignore the heaviness in my chest. Have you ever tried not to thing of something? Don't think of elephants. What are you thinking about? Elephants. It's driving me insane. I know I need to leave it alone, let the metaphorical elephants do their little dance around my head and distract myself. But it's like an itch I can't stop scratching.

I could continue watching Fringe. I could continue watching Seinfeld. I could continue watching the Carrie Diaries. I could reread The Virgin Suicides. I could bake a cake. I could redecorate my living room. I could paint. I could go for a run. So many things I could to cheer myself up right now and I'm not doing any of it. But then again, writing about my feels makes me feel better and I'm doing that, so maybe I'm not as masochistic as I think I am.

I ought to be proud. Six months ago, if I was in this situation, I'd probably be back in a doctor's office, having my medication upped and getting that little pity look I get from my pharmacist a whole lot more. I threw up a few nights ago. I've had a phobia of vomit since I was about five. It fucking terrifies me. And yet I did it. Not that I really had much say in the matter, though - I really was that drunk. But it's still a good experience anyway, you know? I did it and didn't die. Nothing bad happened aside from a lot of embarrassment and a yucky taste in my mouth. I posted on twitter that perhaps getting 'white girl wasted' and puking your guts out onto an innocent pot plant is a rite of passage. I hope so, at least. That was such a terrible night for me. But on the flip side, I realised I have fucking good friends. ♥

I want to get away. By myself. To find myself, as silly as it seems. Doesn't even have to be far. Or even just do something for myself. Join the gym, learn kickboxing, get another tattoo.

Maybe I need to revisit the list.

currently listening to: the 1975
currently watching: seinfeld/fringe/the carrie diaries
currently reading: absofucking nothing. shit.

"let's take some 'roids"

"New friends are like silver. Old friends are like gold. Always make new friends but never forget the old."

breathe me

This is a sleepy kat. She's incredibly sad. She has been for the longest time. Nobody can figure out why. The voice in her head is an absolute bully. It tells her horrible things. She believes them. And the worst part is there's no one else to blame.

She may not be good at a lot of things, but if nothing else, she's really freakin' brilliant at being sad.

(I might regret this post in a week or so. But I find the riskiest posts are the ones that end up being worth it.)

"i have a brilliant beyond brilliant idea!"

Happy Saturday! I'm sitting on my bed watching The Parent Trap and enjoying the ambience of my fairy lights, the cool kid that I am.

I will never not love The Parent Trap. I was never the kid to fantasise about getting my parents back together, but I have always been the kid waiting to meet my long lost twin. I still have hope! Plus, baby Lohan is so adorable and the entire movie is ridiculously quotable.

This week I started running again! I really need to stop taking these silly breaks. Yesterday I ran 5km in 31:30 mins, which is actually my personal best. Yaaaay! But fear not, I'll beat it. The Mother's Day Classic race is in May and I'm not going to bomb out like last year.

Say hello to my cute little planner thingy. I'm actually using a Moleskine, as per tradition, but this was on sale at Typo and it was blue and shiny and you all should know how much of a sucker I am for blue, shiny things. So now it's my food journal. Maybe having it in a blue and shiny journal will make me more likely to continue using it? I HOPE SO.


summery shenanigans

Hellooo. Work has kind of taken over my life. Not necessarily in a bad way, though. It's nice to have something to do and somewhere to be and some kind of income. Plus the people I work with are freaking awesome, so that's always a plus. This post is basically a photo roundup from November to January. I haven't taken enough photos lately for each topic to warrant their own post so here you are, a load of junk. :)

On my brother's birthday last December my dad and I took him sailing. Here he is in his dorky sailor hat with the gorgeous scenery.

I had worn jeans and a hoodie but it turned out to be Bloody Hot™ so I borrowed an old pair of my dad's shorts. Class act since 1993, everyone.

On December 15th I went to a Great Gatsby themed christmas work party. It was brilliant.

Another christmas party, this time by the harbour with my high school buddies.

You're jealous of my pineapple tee, I know you are.

My mum flew to Vietnam and Cambodia for a couple of weeks before Christmas and her trip to the duty free shop meant LOTS OF LOVE FOR ME.

...and I now own a sickening collection of Daisy perfumes.

The Daisy body lotion is brilliant. I bought it for myself in one of the gift sets and I love it so so so much. I'm not sure that it'd be worth the price for just the lotion though. Mac mascara from Duty Free and a good old OPI. The peachy colour is making me so happy right now.

I went shopping at Hollister a few days ago. Whoops. Bought this lovely shirt amongst many other things. I'm embarrassed to show you. But this skirt is comfy and has sparkles on the waistband, so y'know, it deserves a spot here. :)

Now that that's all over and done with, I need to tell you something. I'm going running tomorrow morning. Why am I telling you this? I am telling you this in the hopes that publishing it on the internet will make it a true fact and make me able to get up off my ass at the crack of dawn to go running before work. LET'S DO IT.

xoxox stay cool, soda pops

it's a new dawn, it's a new day

Happy new year! 2014 so far has been pretty brilliant to me. I have high hopes for the future.

I haven't been posting much lately because Daisy (my camera) has been having some time off. And by that I mean I'm too busy running around the place sans camera to formulate enough content for a post. But I'm feeling thoughtful tonight, so here we go.

It seems kind of dumb to say "this is going to be my year" because (a) what does that even mean? and (b) it just sets you up for disappointment. And it also seems kind of dumb to think of a new year as a fresh start, because come on, how is it any different? But you know what? Screw all of that. I'm happy with the new year. Shit is going so well for me. Nothing has been easy lately, but I feel more like myself than I ever have. And if that's a long way away from the person I thought I'd be, well so be it. It is what it is.

Don't ever lose sight of yourself. I think that is one of the biggest life lessons I have learnt so far. It's incredibly easy to get wrapped up in other people and forget yourself, but that can turn sour really quickly. Take care of yourselves, guys.

I'm being deep and thoughtful now, but fear not, I have many narcissistic shopping related posts in the works. Bet you can't wait.

Song is "Kettering" by The Antlers and it's making me ridiculously nostalgic right now.