london calling



photo by @Doug88888

Have you ever felt like you're in the wrong place?

Up until I was about fifteen, I hated living in Sydney. It was all I knew, and I was desperate to see the world. I hated the familiar sights and seeing people I knew everywhere. I was just so damn bored with the place. But I hadn't really seen the whole city. Silly little fifteen year old me thought she knew things. She didn't. I still don't.

I grew up a little and decided that home was home. It was always my plan to stay in Sydney. Travel the world first, of course, but then settle down in a nice little Balmain terrace with a family and a golden retriever. That was the plan.

I turn twenty next week. That's insane. I'm still a kid, you know? I'm a little baby, and I can't be twenty. I'm turning twenty, and I don't have a plan anymore. Panicking about this seems like a premature midlife crisis, I know, but I can't help it. Friends have told me its a common thing to freak out about, though. I'm turning twenty and I thought maybe I'd have some of my life sorted out by now, but nope, I do not. Not at all.

I'm not sure what I want to do when I grow up. Shit, I'm still not even sure what to major in! It's a constant stress, but I wish I could just let things happen and not worry. I just don't want to be thirty and still nowhere, you know? I want to make something of myself. I want to move out, live alone, travel the world, meet new people and find myself along the way. And it feels like here, in my tiny little blue and white bedroom inside my mother's house, I can't. I want to get out.

London seems like the place to go.

Last time I was there, I was three years old. I remember cucumber sandwiches on a bench in the city, and hiding in my aunt's soapy-smelling linen closet. I remember staying on a farm somewhere with nice spaghetti and a dog that ate my gumboots. My eight-year-old brother was allowed to ride a farm tractor, and seventeen years later, I'm still resenting that. I don't remember much, true, but in the pieces my mind has glued together, true or not, it was the best fucking holiday ever. And I'm desperate to go back.

My family isn't from London, as far as I know. My dad grew up near Brighton, I think, and my aunt still lives somewhere down there. On my mother's side, my grandfather lived in Dublin. I have this recent curiosity about my background, nagging me to go and see the places for myself.

London is cold. As much as I complain about winter, I want cold. I want snow and a white Christmas and wearing hoodies underneath jackets underneath coats. I want central heading, and big fat fluffy doonas, and sometimes, I even want days and days of dirty rain.

And if I'm going to hate it, well, I want to find that out for myself, too.

I don't know. Maybe it's just wanderlust. I need a taste of something new.

6 comments:

  1. I totally know that feeling of being lost but it's normal so dw!
    Being 20 doesn't mean you have to be all grown up!
    I don't know what I want to be when I grow up either =( I thought you + psychology was all good? Maybe you could try it. The worst thing that can happen is that you end up hating it but that's ok, you can just try something else. After all you don't really know what you're going to like until after you try it I guess. On average, people go through 3 diff careers in their lifetime so dwwww!
    Maybe you could try going on exchange? Although that seems kinda scary and you will be missed dearly...nooo don't leave <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think one of the things that makes me so assured about blogging is that people as real as you exist. Also, we share a common cluelessness for what we aim to be. I think that when I'm your age, I won't have any bloody clue either.
    It's often that the most vivid events we remember are the ones that matter. So I say, satisfy your wanderlust because you never know what the future may bring. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. I feel the same way as you. But I loved Sydney and wanted to stay - but I feel the way you did about the Gold Coast where I was forced to go when I was 9. I hated it here and still do. Can't wait to move back to Sydney. It's home.

    Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be 22 - I felt like it was the perfect age to be back then. That people who were 22 had everything together. Now I'm 2 months away (almost to the day) from being 22 and everything is so messy. I have no plan. And it's fucking scary. I wish people would give us more help.. it's like when we're babies adults will do EVERYTHING to make sure we grow up safe and happy and when we get to a certain age they stop all that and we have to do it all ourselves. I resent that.

    ReplyDelete
  4. oh i would loooove exchange but idk if i can afford it, haha. and i'd quite like to travel when i'm free to do the things i want, you know? :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. I really feel you. What's that book you have about being in your 20s? I feel like I need that now, haha.

    ReplyDelete