"I just want to sleep!"

Ugh. Yes that's a grunt of displeasure. At myself, or at least the activities I have spend the past week or so doing. 99% of which revolves around Pitch Perfect. Wow, I'm so cool.

It's kind of nice to feel the familiar tug of heartstrings that is the height of a fandom obsession. It's comfortable, although rocky and disastrous. If I don't take enough care of myself during these troubled times, shit can turn sour pretty damn fast. One step too far and I'll be drunkenly crying myself to sleep on the bathroom floor. It has happened before.

It starts like this: I watch the movie. It's okay. It's enjoyable. I go to sleep satisfied and happy. And then I watch it again. And that's where the trouble begins. Because two watches is never enough. If I liked something to watch it through twice then I'm going to need to continue again and again. And soon I'll be quoting the scenes word-for-word and dreaming up head-canon stories about every single character. And then begins my introduction to the actors. Skylar fucking Astin. Life ruiner. He, among with so may of his predecessors, is why I will never find true love. Because these damn good actors have already given me so many perfect characters that not a single real human will ever suffice. Brian Kinney, I'm looking at you. (And it's not just the boys, either! Let me love you, Spencer Hastings.)

And then, in the midst of watching cast interviews on Youtube on a rainy afternoon, still in bed, I'll realise that I don't know enough about this fandom. I'll read fanfic (to try and fill the hole in my heart that the movie caved with the ending credits) and I'll watch the movie again and again and again until it's starting to annoy even me. And at some point, whenever that may be (it's different every time), I'll collapse into a pile of pyjama-clad limbs and sob about my existential crisis. Because what is the point of living in a universe where Jesse does not actually exist? WHAT IS THE POINT, I ask. Don't try to console me, it's futile. He's a fucking fictional character and I'm up at 3am sobbing over his lifestory which has been at least half made up by fans or my creepy brain. He isn't real and he never will be. Depressing, huh? Next time you're crying over heartbreak think about the fact that I'm here, in love with a person (actually, multiple people) who doesn't exist and who will never know me.

Yeah, I'm crazy. This is not news to me. I think I figured it out around the time I was twelve, when Seth and Summer from The O.C fought during an episode and I couldn't sleep properly for a whole week wondering if they'd sort things out. And then my family realised when Haley left Nathan on One Tree Hill for her music career (which I was pissed off about at the time but in hindsight, hey, you go girl!) and I promptly shut my mum's laptop, put my head down on top of it and sobbed. Sobbed. My family had no idea what the fuck was wrong with me.

I'm odd, I know. My expectations of people are so damn high, they're fictional. Booyah, see what I did there? It doesn't help when real humans let me down, time and time again. There aren't any soundtracks to life. There's no positive music to hint to a happy ending. There's only the Pitch Perfect soundtrack, in the background of my mind, haunting me about a life that never was. But every now and then, I'm struck by an amazing group of people. It shouldn't surprise me when people live up to (and exceed!) my fictional character expectations. After all, these fictional people were moulded off real people, although neatly wrapped into a movie-length bundle (or episode-length bundle, as it may be). But it does surprise me. And it's great. Those times when I fall asleep wanting to be me? Those are great.

And for the rest of the time, there's Beca. And Jesse. And Brian and Justin and Chuck and Hermione and Olivia and most nights, my head is a wonderfully cosy dormitory of TV and movie sets. I can open a door and fall into the world of these fictional characters and be with them for a night. And then what happens? Only my dreams can tell.

What was the point of this post? Oh, yeah. Pitch Perfect. (I love it so much.) Skylar Astin. (Watch 21 and Over!.) Anna Kendrick. (She seems like a beautiful and talented version of me.) Anyway, back to fanfic / singing and dancing the Pitch Perfect songs. Welp.

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